up to my neck.

[brittlebreeze ♠]

And it has nothing to do with the site, thank lord, or even school. Just... things have been happening in life for me that have me in a bad state of mind. I have muse, I do, I just need the comfort of my family and close friends.

Not that you all even want or need to know, but my father who got out of prison in December, has been readmitted for drug use, and failure to appear at parole meetings. That was the first thing to upset me.

My boyfriend and I have been arguing on and off for the past couple months, and then we break up last Friday. Around which time, my best friend Alexys begins avoiding me when I ask to hang out or spend some time together (normally she is always up for this) - When she and her boyfriend break up too, she immediately calls me and begs for company. I ask her if she's been mad at me and she says no.

Her ex boyfriend, however, is my friend, and he told me she was very angry at me about something that happened six months ago. (You see, her ex and me were together for what, psh, three days? And that was only because she cheated on him by having sex with his friend Alex) But anyway. So now she starts talking to my ex, and today, she didn't come look for me before my group went to the Library. I saw her and my ex walk down the hall chatting.

This has all sort of had me in knots. Another thing is that this guy I liked since before Aaron (my ex) is so frustrating and confusing I don't know what to do!

See, last year I really liked him (Semi formal, is like the big hotshot dance) and I wanted to ask him to Semi with me because he was nice and funny and he always told me how pretty I looked on bad days. I never did though, because he said he wasn't going.

Around the beginning of this school year I start to really get into him and I tell him flatout but he doesn't feel the same way. Even though he's been dropping hints for weeks. I immediately am very blue about this, regardless that he also wanted to go with me last year, but told someone else he wasn't going and didn't want to cause conflict.

Now, over the four months I was with Aaron, Jesse (the one I like) has become a really close friend who I trust with a lot of secrets. When I feel bummed, he'll pop up randomly online and chat with me, or sometime he says things I would call a hint of affection, but after what happened last time? No way I'm going to act on them and just disregard them. No point in getting hurt again. :'c

But then, there was a REAL sign. This past weekend, my friends Paige and Harley come over, and Paige tells me Jesse spoke to her a couple days ago about me. And she said that he popped up on Facebook IM and asked about me and my boyfriend, who were basically already on the brink of extinction. She told him we were still together, and he told her about asking Aaron for my number because he wasn't sure if we were over with or not; and Aaron being a huge not a very nice person and flipping out on him. Jesse asked her opinion of Aaron and she said he could be a douchebag and he could be okay. Jesse's opinion was aggressive and he made it clear he definitely didn't like Aaron, how he treated me, and he always wanted to beat him in when he saw him. That was the first red light, but I still couldn't be sure.

Paige mentioned Jesse wanting to ask me to some dance, but he was vague about it and I didn't pay much attention to that.

Then! Jesse said that I was pretty and that he was waiting for Aaron to be such a huge thingy to me that I would leave him, because he wanted to ask me out. That was why he wanted my number to begin with.

Of course, after hearing that simple proof that he seriously wasn't dropping empty hints, I was all twisted up again. I wasn't really happy, no because duh, you can't just get happy from that. It was just exciting news. I still had a boyfriend. It didn't exactly matter.

The next night, Aaron breaks up with me because I take too long to text back. I roll with it, irritated and fed up. And then Jesse gets online and chats with Paige and tells her he was with a different girl last night, someone named Skylar Diamond, who I know is graduated (Jesse and me are sophomores) and is a total roundabout with guys. It's gross. >> Like, just hooking up. No other feelings other than sexual lust.

So I'm dejected only slightly because Jesse is indescriptive. I ask him to go with me to Semi and he says he didn't want to turn me down twice so now we're going to this exciting dance together. It's childish, but I've never had a date before so I feel like things could change.

Then I learn from my best friend Aly's boyfriend that he spoke to Jesse and Jesse did stuff with this girl and is worried and thinking and stuff. He told Paige he was willing to drop her for me, because he didn't want to see me get hurt again. But then... ever since Friday night, why does Jesse seem to avoid me? On Facebook, he does chat with me as much, like he used to, all the time. Like, as soon as I'm online and he realizes, bam! Or he'll send me a message when I accidentally get off without saying goodbye. I just get vibes with people really bad... I just feel things that tell me something is wrong or right, like mega-intuition. At first I am worried that he's lost interest and will end up taking back our date at semi (he actually announced it as a date) because he likes that hoe... excuse my analogy. x3

But then he's been starting to be more open. I'm thinking maybe he was just letting things mellow down because this girl would have been upset to find that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her, right? Maybe. He offered to buy our tickets and is requesting time off work and getting a suit so I'm pretty sure our 'date' is still on. I'm usually not one for the stomach butterflies, but I am happy...

Now, if only I knew what was going on with him liking me. Since that has nothing to do with the dance. People around here do go with girls or guys as just friends. It's really common to not be dating or even having an interest like that.

But I am woeful. I'll pop in to do some things but I really won't be chatting. If anyone needs anything, like if a thread I'm in is held up, PM me or whatever. I'll post, for sure, but yeah... I just will be absent in soul.

I am sorry about Truth quitting, does anyone know why?

[nightpaw]

no idea, but i hope things get better for you smally <3.

[brittlebreeze ♠]

Alright, things are cooling down. Time to get back on schedule.

[pinetail]

how did i not see this before?!

aww, i'm sorry everything is crazy for you right now, smally. things have kinda been that way for me too, but i won't go into detail. but i'm glad that they are starting to cool down for you. :3 i have no idea why truth quit, i just saw her gone one day and was like, 'oh...why'd truth leave?' but anyway, glad things can start to get back to normal. ;)

[feathertail]

idk who truth is. ooopps.

but as for that aaron kid, you know i didn't like him. so good riddance. As for this Jesse kid I'd just say watch your toes I got a feeling and it isn't the best of course if I was there with you and knew the kid I could better judge him. But it seems slightly iffy. Like he just wants to save your feelings and not upset you again. Plus I'm not a fan of guys who d nasty stuff with nasty hoes. :] haha. So just be careful ho. I don't want you getting hurt and upset again.

And all that stuff about your father really stinks. I know what it's like to have a drug/alcohol addicted dad. Although I do not see him anymore at all, thank goodness. But I have been receiving face book messages from him for the past couple of months which are hard to see.

[russia]

awh smallie . . . aaron really was no good. /agrees with feather

we'll always be here for you, never forget that <3